Ironically, I feel a little embarrassed posting about how to regain confidence. But why even have a blog if you can’t share embarrassing things once in a while, right?
If you get my newsletter, you know that for 2022, I chose Confidence for my personal word for the year. In fact, exude confidence is #1 on my list of 22 resolutions for 2022. (Yes, I made 22. I love resolutions, okay?) While I’d always thought of myself as a confident person, in the past year, I took a few hits to my morale. But I know how good self-esteem can help you through difficult situations, and in 2022 I want to hold onto my confidence.
I’m really interested to hear your thoughts about how to gain confidence back…and how to feel better about yourself. Here are some of the strategies I’m testing out!
Be the Main Character
A lot of writers and voracious readers follow my blog, so they’re going to understand what I’m saying here. It’s easy in life to think of other people as main characters—successful people in your field, your boss and coworkers, family members and friends, and so on—and to think of yourself as someone in a supporting role. Their wants, their needs, and their judgements of you are important, because they are the protagonists. Your own needs and desires, and your own opinions of yourself, are less important, because you’re not.
Now I love Twitter and Instagram, but I don’t follow many celebrities. Why? Because social media can do a great job of making us think we’re not the main character, giving us messages like, “Oh, no, honey, you’re not a star…see this person, right over here? Look how beautiful they are! And rich! That’s a star!”
Nobody should feel like a secondary character in their own life. And when we feel that way, sometimes, we resent it. And why wouldn’t we? We may only get one life. Of course we want the starring role. That doesn’t mean we’re selfish or uncaring. Maybe we’re a remarkably generous and giving main character. All it means is that we matter.
Your needs, your dreams, and your thoughts and ideas are at least as important as anyone else’s. Everyone else’s opinion of you is secondary to what you think of yourself.
You’re not in their story. They’re in yours.
What’s more? You’re allowed to mess up. You’re allowed to fail. You’re allowed to be imperfect. That’s what main characters do. That’s what humans do, every single last one of them. None of those things needs to shake your confidence.
Cherish Your Uniqueness
Self-improvement is great, but if you’re the kind of person who’s always obsessed with your imperfections, you’re not letting yourself shine. Know what you love about yourself. Know what your preferences are. Assume that you’re a fascinating and deeply lovable person right now.
My journal of creative exercises for self-discovery, The Book of Dreams Come True, started out as exercises I made for myself, and I’ve really enjoy returning to them in the past week. It’s my own tool for recognizing my uniqueness and staying connected to my sense of hope. Check it out if you haven’t already! I’m confident you’ll like it. 😉
Use Confident Body Language
You know how when you make yourself smile, you often automatically feel a little bit happier? (Did you just try it out after reading that sentence? Haha.) I think the same thing goes for other body language as well. Before a Zoom meeting, sometimes I think about sitting up straight, chin up, shoulders back. It’s a little difficult to make real eye contact in a Zoom meeting, of course, but you can look right into the camera!
When I think about a confident walk, my walking automatically changes. I feel taller. My stride gets longer. And it’s wild how much just thinking about a confident walk—and doing it—makes me feel more confident.
I’ve been thinking about it lately when I get dressed, too. What feels like confident dressing to me depends on my mood, but it’s usually a little bit dressy as opposed to casual, and it’s never a “don’t pay any attention to me” kind of look.
If you feel like you have a closet full of “feel free to ignore me” clothes, and you can afford it, maybe get yourself a little something that’s a confident fashion choice for you. My mother gave me a big silver star pendant a few years ago, and when I wear it, I remind myself to act confidently—like a star.
Use Confident Communication
Someone told me last week that they use Grammarly to tell them if their emails aren’t confident enough in tone. I’ve never tried Grammarly, but I think it’s great to look at emails from this lens.
When I text, “Do you want to come over for brunch?” I avoid the temptation to add, “I know you’re busy, though!” or “You probably have other plans!” I’m giving them an easy out, but why should I assume that they want one?
I know a lot of people put themselves down too much in conversation, and I am one of them. Maybe women tend to do it more, though I’m not really sure about that. Lots of men do it, too!
“I look terrible,” we say when we look normal. “Ugh, I’m so stupid,” we say when we forget something or we struggle to do something new. “Don’t get excited—it’s nothing,” we say when we give someone a gift. We cook dinner for someone and say, “I don’t know if this will be any good. We can always order pizza!”
We do this to deflect criticism. Who’s going to punch us, we figure, if we just punch ourselves? But when we do it, we’re reinforcing in other people’s minds—and more importantly, ours—that we deserve criticism.
Instead, why don’t we dare to compliment ourselves once in a while? We can start by doing it with the people we trust the most to agree. “I look great in blue,” I might say to my husband, who will never, in a million years, say, “No, honey, you really don’t.” “I’m pretty smart,” you might quip to your best friend, who, if they understand the best friend job correctly, will immediately agree.
And the more we get into the habit of speaking confidently about ourselves, the more likely we’ll do it when times get tough. “This is hard,” we might say. “But you know what? I’m capable. I’ll survive. I’ll figure it out.”
Do you have advice about how to regain confidence…or how to get it for the first time? Let us know in the comments section below! Thanks so much for reading, and happy writing!
Great post. I think we all struggle with confidence. I know I do and also am prone to bouts of “imposter syndrome” in many circumstances. What I have found fascinating is that when I look deeply enough, it seems that the parts of me that are self-critical are actually trying to protect me — If I stand up/out, then I’ll get attacked. If I stay small, I stay safe and minimize the negative attention of others. I think our minds are wired for this — life was very dangerous on this planet before civilization that mitigated somewhat. If we challenged through confidence those that were more “powerful, prestigious, valued by the pack” then we could get really hurt, or worse — killed. Even in modern day, just replace “killed” with canceled / ridiculed, and its still very much a concern. I also find, when I look deeply enough, the part of me that got hurt originally, the one that got “exiled” long ago due to pain I could not stand nor end (IFS here, not original thinking). This part creates the energy of the dynamic, motivating the self attacks to never let that happen again. I think it’s great that you are writing about this topic, Bryn. There is such a taboo in our culture about not being strong and confident, yet almost everyone struggles with it (well, maybe George Clooney or Gal Gadot, but who knows? 🙂
I love everything about this. Maybe I should’ve just asked you to guest post! You’re so right—a lot of it is self-protection, and sometimes it has deep roots. I bet even George Clooney and Gal Gadot have their less confident days, haha! Thanks so much for posting!
Wonderful and inspiring post. Reminded me of Kate Winslet in The Holiday who said something about being the lead character in your own life. And the above post about past hurts is interesting, too. I have to work at relaxing into a smile, maybe because of past hurts. Funny story…my daughter and I were walking her Saint Bernard in an apartment complex years ago. A woman pulled up with a pit bull in the front passenger seat showing his teeth. I said “he doesn’t look happy.” she said “that’s his smile.”
My sister had a dog that smiled when he was pleased to see someone. As it was always people he knew and liked, it was fine, because they knew he smiled.
That bulldog…ha! I love it! I am really sorry to hear about the past hurts, though. I hope they fade somewhat with time. I should watch The Holiday again…it’s been forever, but I remember I loved it!
Just what I needed, Bryn! I am putting together a little book for my children. It’s our 50th wedding anniversary in a few days. I wanted to be honest so they don’t think, “You never had any problems.” But I realized as I read your post I need to read over the book and eliminate name calling about myself. The time I nearly burned the house down was a humorous and dramatic story. I didn’t need to add the last line about stupidity. I should leave it at, Nobody died.
Absolutely! 🙂
Jessie, that book sounds like a treasure. I like it that you’re going to be honest! (But yes, you can definitely do that without calling yourself names.) HAPPY ALMOST 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! That’s wonderful!
It’s a really interesting idea to think of myself as the main character of my life. Too often I think of other people and events happening to me (as a passive participant) instead of me making things happen for myself. This mindset could really be a game-changer.
Naomi, absolutely! I try to tell myself that sometimes: life isn’t happening to you, you’re happening to life. 😀 Thanks for reading, and for commenting!
Thanks for this post! Relatable. For the record, I think you DO exude confidence!
As a therapist this is an issue that comes up often. Some tips I use with my clients and with myself are:
1. It’s just a thought. Doesn’t mean because you think/said it that it’s true! Think of it as an intrusive thought, uninvited, popping in. You can say to it, “Okay, thanks for sharing,” but ignore and move on. If the thought persists, “sorry, I don’t have time for you today.”
2. Intentionally re-work the thought to be more positive and balanced. “You’re never going to be a FT writer, you’re too busy and too old now,” becomes, “I’m right on time with my writing career. The lessons learned from life make my writing more interesting and I love the people I’ve met. I just reworked my daily routine to fit in a couple of hours of writing, so I will accomplish this goal.” Not false, and more empowering!
3. Be kind to yourself. It you wouldn’t say the comment to your 12 year old sister, daughter, son, neice/nephew don’t speak it to yourself.
4. Just think another thought. Simple as that.
When I get stuck in a negative head space about myself, I literally say, “Stop,” or “Enough” sometimes. Speak a better observation, like “I will totally be able to do this,” or “I look good for my age.” Whatever addresses the original perseverative thought. Then onto another wavelength. Cook dinner, text my sister, read a magazine, watch a comedy routine on youtube, go for a walk with my husband, etc. A million better ways to spend my time and energy.
5. I make sure to contain the space the negative takes up. Quantify it. If you’re being hard on yourself about something 60% of the day. Give it less space. 20% say. We naturally feel more confident if we limit the space negative self-thoughts take up in our lives!
Hope some of this helpful 🙂
Maria. This is awesome. I might print it out and hang it up! I really love every single tip. With #5—I can almost visualize how much space it takes up, like a pie chart! And I looove your specific example for #2. Thank you for posting!
I love this. The bit you said about confident clothing definitely rings true. I don’t know what it is about a certain pair of heels, but when I put them on, I feel like I can take on the world. I hold myself differently and almost strut when I walk.
Hi Erin! Oh good—I’m not the only one who knows what I’m talking about there. 🙂 (By the way, my dog ALMOST ate Batter Days the other day. I rescued it just in time! I was like, That’s not a real cake on the cover, buddy. It’s just going to taste like paper. 😀 )
I took this from IMDb, but you reminded me of the conversation between Iris and Arthur:
Arthur Abbott : You know what I’ve been asking myself all night?
Iris : What? Why I’m bothering you with all these questions?
Arthur Abbott : I’m wondering why a beautiful girl like you would go to a strangers’ house for their Christmas Vacation, and on top of that spend Saturday night with an old cock-up like me.
Iris : Well, I just wanted to get away from all the people I see all the time!…
[Arthur looks at her incredulously]
Iris : Well, not all the people… one person. I wanted to get away from one… guy.
[she sobs]
Iris : An ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me.
Arthur Abbott : So, he’s a schmuck.
Iris : As a matter of fact, he is… a huge schmuck. How did you know?
Arthur Abbott : He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris : You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake! Arthur, I’ve been going to a therapist for three years, and she’s never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
***
You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake!
I needed the reminder.
Oh thank you! You know, I loved that movie but I didn’t remember this scene at all…I wonder if it lodged in my subconscious, though? What a great conversation. It’s so perfect. Thank you for finding it!!
Nope. Not alone.
OMG you bought my book! Thank you so much. I hope the pupper isn’t the only one that enjoyed it. LOL.
Of course I did! And I’d already enjoyed it, but I didn’t want him eating it! 😀
Bryn, your blog post is so encouraging.
It’s funny…you talking about 54 like it’s really old.
I think when I was 54 I was still feeling pretty young. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am much older than that now. But now, (I’m repeating this word on purpose), now I only see my happy pursuits and ignore my ‘what ifs’ because at 72, they could be pretty large and scary if I look at them.
So my one thing to add to your great ideas, is stop thinking about the other younger one, the smarter one, the one who got started so much earlier. In other words, stop comparing ourselves to others. Especially celebrities! I try to ignore celebrity stuff.
I could let myself do just that, since I am debuting my first novel at this age! But if I don’t get my head straight, I could mess up! So I’m hoping to have many more books under my belt before it’s time to quit!
We never know if we have another day! Tomorrow isn’t a promise, it’s a gift. But I stop beating myself up for the time it’s taken. Who knows, the timing could be exactly what it needs to be? Even for a late beginner, the right opportunity may be waiting for just this exact time!
Something else…kind of corny. I don’t exactly know how it goes. “The only option to getting older is ‘pushing up daisies’! Let’s just get older together!
Ruby
Hi Ruby! I think you have great advice. Thanks so much for posting. And congratulations on the debut novel!