Tomorrow Mr. Donovan and I are celebrating a milestone anniversary. Last year on our anniversary, I shared one of those “secrets to a happy marriage” posts. This year, I’ve been thinking a lot about how, according to most articles I read, we got married wrong. Here’s some of the advice I’ve seen…
Date for a long time before you get married.
Mr. Donovan and I got married about six months after we started dating. He popped the question after we’d been dating for three weeks.
To make the story clearer: when he and I were both in the same creative writing program, I started dating him with the intention of marrying him, and finally hinted very hard: “Isn’t there something you want to ask me? Something really important?”
In that three weeks, we did get to know each other pretty well. We talked nonstop. He let me read all his old journals, which not many people would do. But even before we started dating, I was sold. He was unfailingly kind, intelligent, cute, and funny, we liked the same obscure fantasy author, I liked the way he looked at me and listened to me, and I felt deep down that we should be married.
Everyone tells you not to do it this way, and logic is on their side. At the same time, I’ve heard so many couples say things like: “I saw her at a party and I thought, She’s the one.”
Don’t get married too young.
I was twenty-three and he was twenty-five. I don’t think that’s scandalously young, but it sometimes surprises people.
Wait until you’re financially solvent… or at least have a steady job.
We were both students and part-time instructors, and for the first two years of our marriage, we were living below the poverty line.
Don’t live together before you’re married.
We did, and part of it was financial (see above.)
Don’t believe in “soul mates.”
This one has gotten a lot of traction lately. The idea is that if you believe you both were meant to be, you won’t be prepared to deal with the tough stuff.
I believe more than ever that Mr. Donovan is my soul mate. It never made me expect that things would always be easy, because no part of life is always easy.
I’m not saying that other people should believe in soul mates, because I’m not in the habit of telling other people what to believe in (other than themselves and their potential.) I’m just saying it worked for me.
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When I got married, I didn’t even plan the wedding. It was in another state, and besides, this was before Pinterest. If I were doing it today, I would be geeking out over every little detail and spending whole weekends researching centerpieces, but that’s not who I was then. My parents did the hard work of planning all the details of a lovely traditional wedding (thank you, Mom and Dad!!), and I showed up with a fancy dress. (I went to a bridal shop, tried on three dresses, and bought the cheapest one. It took an hour.)
I think there’s a lot of good relationship advice out there, and I am always looking for ways to be a better wife. I’ve never read The Five Love Languages, for instance, and I’ve heard good things. And 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You is one of my favorite books ever, and I need to read it again! Mr. Donovan and I have had a wonderful time so far, and I want to make the next years even better.
However, I’m not sure advice on how to get married is all that useful. Everyone’s path is different. Some people do absolutely everything “the right way,” and it still doesn’t work out, and it’s not their fault at all.
Sometimes divorce is the only sane choice. For a lot of people, getting married at all would be the wrong choice! There are no rules for any of these things.
I’ve met couples who were embarrassed to say how they met. Sheepishly, they’ll admit they met at a bar and hooked up, or they got to know one another online. But everyone should celebrate their story!
If you’re married, did you “get married wrong”? If you’re single or divorced, what are your opinions? I’d love to hear — I always learn so much from the comments section. Thanks for reading!
Beautiful post. I got married “wrong,” too, and I’ve never regretted it. As you say, there are no rules for true love. It’s too special and not enough people ever know it.
Aw thanks Jessica! And that is great to hear 🙂 Thanks for reading!
-laughs- I got married ‘wrong’ when I was 20. 29 years later, I’m still married ‘wrong’ to the same man despite all those bad times between us. Your marriage sounds wonderful, even with your bad times. But, to me, bad times let us know how good we have it most of the time. I can’t imagine my man not being in my life.
20! KC, you were just a baby 🙂
“bad times let us know how good we have it most of the time…” That is so true. And I’m so glad things worked out so well for you, too.
I also got married wrong. Back in 1984 I was a senior and dated a freshman. Broke up before graduation, I was moving to another city with my family and also starting college and didn’t want to be dating a high school kid. Fast forward 20 years and he calls me out of the blue one Saturday night. I was single with 2 kids, never married and he was in his second marriage with 3 teenagers. A week later he gave me a ring and within a month he had moved in and filed for divorce. Sold my house within 4 months and bought one with room for all 5 kids then decided we weren’t waiting to get married once the divorce was finalized. Six months to the day he came back into my life we were married. Wasn’t the smart way to do it, but I wouldn’t change our story for the world!
Oh, my gosh! Karen, that is quite a story. It sounds like, even with all the twists and turns, you two were meant to be together. 🙂
We were 21 when we got married. Had descent jobs. The only thing I would change would be doing the wedding more of how I wanted not my mother in law. But we are still together 4 kids later and 12 years. Can’t wait for the next ones!
Corvy — haha, I’ve heard it can be difficult to plan a wedding when there’s a lot of opinions involved. 🙂 Congratulations on your family and 12 years together!
Until I read this post, I had no idea we’d ‘married wrong” – I assumed we’d simply been nonconventional. However,after 37 years, I consider my husband to be ‘my other half’.
I’m joking about the “wrong” part, of course! 🙂 Ah, 37 years, that’s fantastic! So glad to hear about that!
This is timely because today is my 18th anniversary! We were married young too (22 & 23), and we often talk about how we ended up so happy. I think the key to it all has a lot more to do with how you treat each other and how you think of each other than how you got together!
Aww JA, congratulations! (A couple of days late… I’m traveling and wifi has been spotty. 🙂 ) That’s wonderful. “how you treat each other and how you think of each other” — exactly.
Thanks the the article, Bryn. I love hearing about all the “wrong” marriages that are turning out just fine. We married “right.” I was thirty. We dated for five years. We didn’t live together before we got married. We weren’t financially secure, but we had a steady income (my wife’s) while I finished grad school. Happily, this model too has turned out just fine. We just celebrated forty years of married life (Hmmm, that makes us really old.) For me it seems the thing that makes it work has to do with whether you and your partner are the collaborating authors of the story of your marriage, or you just see yourselves as characters in the story. Hard or easy, it’s your story and there is joy in it if we put it there. How happy that so many are able to tell good ones. Congratulations to us all.
Hi Earl! Congratulations on 40 years… that is wonderful. (And, please… you are NOT old!)
“For me it seems the thing that makes it work has to do with whether you and your partner are the collaborating authors of the story of your marriage, or you just see yourselves as characters in the story.” I love this! Thank you for sharing.
I married my first husband wrong. I married because I was in love with the idea of being married. We dated for 3 years and then had a perfect wedding but I’m not sure I was in love with him. Two years later I had my two kids and stayed with him until 9-11 when I realized I didn’t love him and life was way to short. Eleven years ago I married for all the right reasons.
Ah, I think a lot of people fall in love with the idea of being married, and it’s no wonder — it’s idealized so much in our society! You’re so wise — life is too short to live with something that isn’t right. Thanks for commenting, Gena, and for reading!
We totally got married wrong. 5 days after we met, I knew I was going to marry him. We got engaged 5 months after meeting and 6 months after that. So, we were married 11 months after meeting, that’s not too horrible, but we did this while maintaining a long distance relationship and only seeing each other every other week. We did live together before getting married, but only for a bout a month. We were both 22 when we got married, and I was in college, and he was a college dropout, so neither of us was making very good money. I completely believe that we are soul mates and I think that is why we work through the hard stuff. Oh, and to make things even more wrong, the majority of the first year of our marriage was long distance. He couldn’t make a decent enough living in my college town, so he moved back home his parents to his old, extremely well paying job. After that year, he moved back with me, despite his mother wishing and praying we would divorce. We’ve been married for 16 years.
Hi Sara! Congratulations on 16 years! That is a great story. I’m so glad things worked out the way they did!
Great post. I got married. We hit a milestone anniversary this year, too, so it turned out all right. I could relate to what you said to your future husband. I said something similar- “Why don’t we have a big party? One of those parties that you only have once in your life?” I think Alan Alda had the best advice about marriage in The Four Seasons. It wasn’t that great of a movie- but he said something like, “marriage is like the tide (or the waves?) – it ebbs and it flows. One day you are madly in love- the next?”
Hi Jena! Okay, this really made me smile: “Why don’t we have a big party? One of those parties that you only have once in your life?” I think that’s really true about the ebbing and flowing, too.
Thanks for commenting — always great to hear from you! 🙂
Oh, we totally met online. I’ve been so embarrassed about that. As if people would think, ‘Couldn’t you meet someone in person? At a bar, even?’ But after we realized we only lived a few minutes from each other, we stopped the online part. We moved back to his hometown after I graduated college (we met and started dating the previous summer), were engaged that December, and married the following October. This year marks nine years for us, and we couldn’t love each other any more. It’s sickening. ? We had an amazingly rocky start, but we know that we can soldier on through all the muck and stress that happens with life. Love finds a way.
I think meeting online is so natural! And pure, in a way — you’re not making as many superficial judgements! Awww, good for you both for being sickeningly in love 😀 Our first year was the toughest, I have to say. It’s a big adjustment! But worth it. 🙂
I really can’t say we got married the wrong way, but we certainly got married an ‘odd’ way. In the past we liked to shock people, telling them we met ‘online’. Yet, this is only half of the truth. Here’s what happened.
My [then future] wife and I lived in different states. We didn’t know about each other, but she was involved in MLM (Multi Level Marketing) about nutritional products at that time. It happened that I was looking for some flexible income on the side, searched the Web, and came across an ad where someone was looking for additional ‘Members’. Little that I knew, that this would be my future wife. 🙂 I replied to this ad, and as a result got (a) an email response, and (b) a message on my answering machine.
I like both her voice and the business details. That’s how we got in touch. We did business for about two months, learned more about each others personal life during this time, and she decided to get on a plane to meet her new biz member. That flight sealed our relationship.
We both felt somehow attracted to each other, but couldn’t explain it. Maybe we were cautious because we both had been burned before, were even divorced. Yet, the heart dominated over the cautioning mind, and our [biz] relationship got “very” personal from that moment on.
Our [interstate] phone bills went through the roof. Four weeks later, we decided to get together. She packed, and we moved all her stuff across the U.S. up to my place. Sure, there were rough times to master in the beginning. We both were not young anymore, set in our mind, and had negative experiences with partners. Yet, we were willing to make it work. Six month later we got married.
Well, that was more than 17 years ago. In between, we left the U.S, and moved to Europe. My wife got confronted with a totally different culture, but likes it now. To me, being a European, it was just a ‘refresher’. We moved around a few times, and finally settled in Malta [ Mediterranean]. They speak English as a second language, which made the adaption easier for my wife. We are both considered foreigners her, but working all over the globe for years, I am used to a gypsy life anyway. At least until I met me wife. That’s when I took a job that let me stay put. Here in Malta, I’m registered as a writer and [freelance] copy editor.
To sum it up: Yes, meeting, falling in love, and getting married within less that a year CAN work. We are a living example. Negative experience, like we both carried into our marriage, can be a double-sided sword. It can be ballast, but it also can be a valuable resource to fall back on, to avoid former mistakes. It all boils down to whether both partners are willing to make it work. I would marry my wife any time again, and she thinks the same way about me.
Hans! This is such an interesting story. I never would have thought of a couple meeting in this way! I think it’s great that it worked out the way that it did! Thanks for commenting. 🙂
You guys are the most romantic couple I know! <3
I totally believe in love at first sight and soulmates, and I kind of fell bad for people who don't.
My first marriage was a bad choice. Wrong guy, wrong reasons, wrong situation. But I can't say I'd go back and change it, because I got a beautiful daughter out of it, and I'm actually still friends with the ex. People think I'm weird for that, but it makes life easier. And he's not a bad person, just not the right one for me.
My second marriage has been damn near perfect. There are days where I sit and really think about it, and I can't believe how lucky I am. He took a long time to propose to me, though. Two years, which felt like forever. There was a couple of times I'd ask him when we're ever going get married and he'd say, "In the fullness of time." *lol*
Aww, thank you Paige! It is so lucky things are so amicable with your ex. And I think you have a fantastic marriage!
Hi. We definitely got married wrong! He was divorced in May and we got married in June. Because we were living together, we didn’t want his “boss” aka the US Army to discover we were together before he was technically divorced. That would be an Honors violation.
So we planned to get married on a Friday afternoon in the courthouse, in front of a Judge who was a friend of mine. All the sudden tge Army wanted him to go on a field exercise. He finally got out of it thank goodness.
We had a dinner with out witnesses, friends, family right after the wedding – in the hotel where we would be spending our one honeymoon night. No big reception. No wedding decorations. We had both had those prior to this. This was the third marriage for me, the second for him. We initially met online and began dating soon after. We were together for about 14months before we got married.
We have been married 22 years now. We have one 18yo daughter together. And he treats my 2 other grown kids now, just like they are his. He is a very special man!
Pat, this is a great story! I love it. Congratulations on 22 years! Thanks so much for commenting.
Well, I guess my wife and I married ‘wrong’ as well. We dated for three months, got married at 21 and 22. We ate instant mashed potatoes for dinner on many nights due to our tight budget. I guess, after 31 years of marriage, we should just pack it in. 🙂
Don, the instant mashed potatoes made me think about how I would make giant batches of black beans and rice and freeze them… I remember those cheap dinners. 🙂 “I guess, after 31 years of marriage, we should just pack it in” — HAHAHAHA! Congratulations, and thanks for sharing.
Hello Bryn! what a wonderful timely post. I Am 23 and our customs are really different in India. But moreover my family has a different outlook of things, some being really liberal while others staunch. I just got officially “engaged in a relationship” less than a month ago. when you talk of having “married wrongly” I think whoa! there are several clauses which fit here. First, he’s my cousin and a year older to me. Second, even though we have known each other all our lives and played together too, I had never imagined being married to him though I am keen on it now that we have begun a slow and steady courtship; living in different cities. so we will probably get married in a year and I already get the feeling I am so young here when I read the comments of someone having “forty long years of companionship”. I am not sure about soulmates but a similar story happened for my parents and I haven’t seen anyone more “in love” as they are, so I believe he just might be ‘the one’! Regardless, I am just in the process of realizing how ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ this union is going to be, thank you all for the posts!
Niyamat, this is so interesting… thank you so much for sharing! How interesting that you’re making a change from friends to romantic partners. I wish you both well! It sounds like you have great role models with your parents. Thanks so much for reading, and for commenting!
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Oh, I’ll take a look! Thanks so much for thinking of me — I really appreciate it!
Once again, you put together a great post. However, my favorite lines? This one from the article, ” this was before Pinterest.” and one in the comments about ‘ people fall in love with the idea of being married.” I’ve been married for a long time, it was unconventional (we got married twice. Once on a back porch in a small town we’d never been to, over looking an area we didn’t know we’d spend 17 years raising our boys in), yet…..one of the most important things about the wedding is to not forget the marriage. Over the years, we’ve grown apart. We lost each other in the raising of our family. I am so glad for the lovely stories shared here. I pray each one continues to grow and thrive and last. Not with the fire that started the whole thing, but with the burn found in peat. Long lasting, warming, and you cannot put it out.
Thank you so much for the kind and wise words, Kris. I think it can be very difficult for couples to focus on one another while raising a family. And I agree… that steady, lasting flame is what one hopes for. Sending you all the best wishes.
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Hi Bryn,
I love your work.
Could you extrapolate on why you shouldn’t live together before marraige?
Thank you.
Hi Jianna! Thanks for the kind words!
I think a lot of people warn against living together before marriage mostly because they disapprove of sex before marriage. However, since Mr. Donovan and I lived together before marriage and we’ve been happily married for years and years, I obviously don’t see it as a problem for marriages. 🙂
I’m not a marriage person. I’m not a relationship person, either.
I met someone in a chatroom who claimed to be one person. In reality, this person was something else entirely. We got engaged over AIM. And that was our primary form of contact.
Over time, I discovered that the individual was very controlling, and the relationship turned into one featuring a good deal of psychological abuse. And I put up with it, because I thought, as most who’ve dealt with abuse do, that it would get better, that the person just needed to grow up.
It only got worse. After two years, and supposedly making all these plans–we even had kids’ names figured out (I do NOT want kids, or even LIKE them)–suddenly this person wasn’t talking to me anymore. No explanation, no farewells. Just silence.
It took me a few years of wallowing in the pain of a broken heart to realize…if someone loves you, they’re not going to toy with your head the way mine was toyed with. I was just a plaything, and my user eventually got bored and walked away. It wasn’t a relationship, and it wasn’t love. I loved, but I was not loved in return.
I already have severe trust issues. So this naturally didn’t improve things for me.
So I refuse to get involved with anyone again. It’s not a chance I’m willing to take a second time. Once was a billion times too many for my taste.
Oh, no. I am so sorry you went through so much awfulness and heartbreak. I can hardly imagine. I’m not surprised that you feel the way you do about relationships. No matter what the future brings, I wish you so much happiness it makes up for all you’ve been through.