Earlier this month, I opened up Facebook to see a post from my friend Rebekah about what a wonderful person Amy had been. Past tense. She had died.
“No, no, no,” I thought. “This isn’t Amy S., right?” It sounded like it was describing the Amy I knew, but I thought maybe it was a different Amy, one that Rebekah had gone to high school with, perhaps. Which wouldn’t be okay in any way either, but it’s only natural to say, Not MY Amy.
It was Amy S., who, like Rebekah, I knew exclusively from interactions on Facebook, mostly in private groups. Amy and I weren’t close… but if that were true, why was I crying so hard?
Amy and I had talked about makeup and fashion (about which we always agreed.) We exchanged direct messages after an upsetting event. I smiled at her posts about puppies and Tom Hiddleston. I learned a little from her about politics in Taiwan. More than once, she’d sent me a supportive and kind message at just the right time. I thought she was sweet and smart and pretty much perfect.
Like so many online friendships, this one had sunk in and become a part of me almost without my noticing it.
How Online Friendships Work
Often, you don’t make each others’ acquaintance in the usual way, with questions like What do you do for a living? Instead, you bond over shared interests or similar philosophies, and sometimes that’s a quicker way to lead to a real connection.
In my online communities, when you have something you need to share, you put it right out there with no preamble: the private details of your relationships, the small victories that not everyone would understand. This also helps you get to know others fast.
You don’t always have long conversations. Instead, you may have many brief conversations, sometimes over a period of years. You may not have photos of you and your online friends (though one of my 101 Life Goals is to meet many more in person), or any other traditional proofs of closeness. When you have online friends, it’s like a cloud of stardust that follows you around wherever you go, making the world a softer and brighter place to be.
We all know how the Internet offers a protective distance for many people to unleash the worst aspects of themselves, spreading hate and cruelty with impunity. The opposite is also true. Online, I can dare to be more warm and effusive, because I’m less worried about rejection or fitting in. In “real life” I’ve often felt obliged to act more reserved, but my online enthusiasm is the real me, and I’m being my authentic self more and more in other parts of my life as well.
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Empty Criticisms
I frequently see online relationships disparaged. For instance, I’ve seen a quote that said something like, “Online friends can’t take care of your dog or give you a ride to the airport.”
Setting aside the fact that I would never ask a friend to watch my wonderful but challenging terriers for free, I think this is silly. I don’t need friends so that they can work for me. I need them to laugh with, commiserate with, and talk about life with.
I’ve also seen a cartoon of a funeral with almost no attendees. One of the guys there says to another: “I don’t understand it. He had so many Facebook friends.” But geographical proximity or the ability to travel aren’t true measures of friendship.
My Online Friends
I made my first online friends even before Facebook, through a now-defunct website called 43Things where people cheered each other’s progress on their goals. (Anyone who knows me, including people who read this blog, can imagine how much I loved that.) I’m still friends with many 43Ters. We’ve seen each other change and grow over more than a decade now, and I can’t even say how much it means to me.
I’m in groups with former 43Ters, groups that love Supernatural and nerd stuff, a community of fellow romance writers, a group of writers who do NaNoWriMo (but chat all year), a makeup and fashion group, a political group, a group where everyone can talk about whatever’s on their mind… and a few more. I’m just regular Facebook friends with dozens of people I met elsewhere on the Internet. Through this blog, I’ve gotten to know some regular commenters who are kind, interesting, and funny, and I’m always learning from them.
If I’m connected with you online, I want you to know right now that our talks about TV, movies, books, writing, politics, aspirations, and our day-to-day experiences and feelings, mean so much to me. They’re one of the realest things in my world, and I’m so glad we’re here for each other.
I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to know you in person as well as electronically!
Maybe it’s the years between that make more of a difference than the mode of interaction. Seeing how you and I are both the same people we used to be, but also different. It’s one of the cool things about getting older.
I am too, Rachel! I barely remember who I was back then, to be honest… I probably remember you better than me. 🙂 But yeah, I think in some ways people change so much, and in other ways not at all.
wonderful and touching post. Keep up the good work.
Thanks, Marilyn, and thanks so much for reading!
Thanks for posting. It’s a perspective that I hadn’t considered. We could have more in common with online small group friends than we do with the assortment of work and general friend we pick up through the years.
Hi, Anne! Yeah, sometimes online groups really help us find kindred spirits. 🙂
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of a friend. I too feel that online friends are friends. We touch each others lives in much the same way we would if we sat across from each other. Bryn, I feel that when I read your post that we are having a conversation, with a whole lot of people. Thank you for sharing your experiences in your blog. I almost always read the comments and know that I am not the only one that you have touched with your kindness, humor, and honesty. So thank you !
Oh, Lorrie, thank you so much for the sympathy, and for the kind words. You made my day! That means a lot to me. And thank you so much for reading, too.
Greetings from back home in East Peoria! This is a great topic! I can *so* relate. Back in the early 2000’s, I bonded with a group of people who all came together on a fan site for a common favorite player on a common favorite college basketball team. I am still in contact with many of them, now through Facebook and Twitter. We have been friends for 15 years, have found other common interests and been through life changes together. I have even met up with a couple of them while travelling. Life is a pretty fun and funny adventure sometimes when you think about it.
Michele! Hiiiii! Oh, fan sites are such a great way to connect. I’ve made friends online through being fans of a TV show, and they mean the world to me. How cool that you got to meet some of your online friends in person, too…I’ve done that a few times and it’s so special! Thanks for commenting. Your post made my day. 🙂
It’s good to know you too, Bryn. 🙂 (As little as I share about myself most of the time, I do appreciate having the friends I have, and most of them are online.)
Hi Sydney! As little or as much as you share, I always love hearing from you. 🙂
I know how you feel. An online friend that I’ve known for years had a major stroke last month, and once I got over the shock of finding out from a mutual friend in Australia, of all places…My heart was broken when her daughter finally told me there is very little hope. But.
My friend is a fighter. If anyone can come back from something of this caliber, it’s her.
Don’t you EVER let anyone tell you online friendships don’t matter. They most certainly do. There is just as much comradeship to be found thousands of miles away, and far often less judgement, than in someone 15 minutes away. Online friends can be more willing to let you pour your heart out at 2 am, then some just around the corner.
It is not the distance that matters, but what’s in our hearts.
Hi, Carolyn! I am sending your friend good thoughts. You know exactly how I feel! And yeah, that’s so true… about online friends sometimes being more willing and available to listen, even at the strangest times.
“It is not the distance that matters, but what’s in our hearts.” Yes, exactly. Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
I too have many friends online….many are very ill and that is difficult!
I recently lost my real life best friend.
My online friend’s were so responsive and helpful!
I would ve very sad to lose anyone else…online or off.
Bryan I always smile when I get an email from you, from your blog!
I hope you find your friend, or at least find out what happened.
Try to keep smiling.
Life goes too quickly!
Take care
Sincerely
PatBigbie
Hi, Pat! I am so sorry to hear about your loss… and so glad that your online friends were a good support system. Thanks so much for your words!
<3
One thing that I have always enjoyed about my online friendships is that when I meet someone new in the “real” offline world, I sometimes wonder, “Could this be someone that I may have interacted with online anonymously?” You never know where your paths may ultimately cross someday.
Once, this actually happened to me, years ago. It was so interesting and strange to randomly meet someone who I had previously interacted with online in a philosophy forum. When we eventually met in person, it was entirely unrelated to the original forum, and we instantly recognized each other.
My cousin Mandy died last summer, almost a year ago. It was very touching to read the things that her online friends said in her memory. They knew her as well as I did, some even better. They sent beautiful plants and flowers and donated to the fund to help her family. It was humbling and amazing to see the support from her online community.